confession…catching a feather on a fan..

I have ‘been away’…

This is what I wrote to myself a week ago:

“Doing and Being…

I sometimes get too down about there being so much to do. The things I am interested in and working on turn into jobs. They become something I have to do. They become overwhelming and ‘I’ am ‘brought down’. It is true that I demand a lot of myself, as we all should. I hate that ‘should’ idea. For example yesterday I was again designing a rebuild of an old conservatory. There are specific building regulations to which it must conform. I am not a builder or architect and so I have to think, raise awarenesses and ‘work’. Also, it is interesting but not easy to give enough time to learning arabic, never mind normal activities such as playing with rods…or other rod-related items…

I think (‘I know I should’ always be tentative about ‘explanations’). The ‘psychic’ situation probably arises when I start to sense unfinished wholes. Instead of just carrying on, bit by enjoyable bit (which is mostly the case), this ‘feeling’ of ‘pointless doingness’ begins to take over. At first I think I just force myself to carry on but then (I know) I get tired. Yes, tired quite quickly, and then this overwhelming ennui takes over. The useful energy is depleted. Nothing is worth doing and it all seems rather pointless. (This is the extreme version of that which I am trying to communicate). When I wake up in the morning ‘I’ don’t know what ‘is worth doing’.

This is what should be understood…..unless…

The mind begins to shoulder out being. The mind in the form of the constructed entity called Jackson with the story of its self becomes identified with tasks. The self becomes the tasks. The balance between thinking about the jobs in their entirety and direct experience in the moment begins to shift.  The image of the total endeavors, which belong to the mind rather than the immediate experience of the detail, which belongs to being, begins to dominate. It is time to allow the shift to begin to favour being in the present moment. This means more meditative states need nurturing. The extreme is maybe to return to pure meditation. In my case, this extreme form means periods of Chan Silent Illumination or Shattering the Great Doubt through gongan (koan) or huatou.

They are two ‘ways’, which are not ways… The other is to remain aware of the situation that has arisen and mindfully undertake any activity that spontaneously arises without volition. I.e. by not allowing the mind to construct edifices of challenge.

In other words time to take a break from maya, to ignore thinking, thought, and just be aware without the ten thousand things.

gongan: Three monks, Seppo, Kinzan and Ganto were in the temple garden. Seppo noticed a pail of water and pointed to it. Kinzan said, “The water is clear and the moon is reflected.” “No, no,” said Seppo. “It is not water, it is not moon.” Ganto upset the pail.

Kick over the object of attachment…”

huatou: allow the feather to rest upon the fan

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